helokits journal

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 22:49:21 GMT

I know I dont update too much but here is an update. Things in general have been pretty decent. I do feel alot better thanks to my wonderful boyfriend who makes me feel so good, but I have to feel good for me I know. I just lately have been feeling worse and worse again in terms of my weight. I weigh about 150 and am about 5'6 disgusting. I have a small waist and then have the hips and ass. some days it deosnt bother me but in others it does. I hate myself sometimes. I have been puriging alot more lately, more than I have liked. I think alot is anxiety. I went int H and M the other day and tried on these clothes and I am a size 12. Alot of my freiends say they cant believe that I am that size. So there I am and I just felt so intimidated because there are all of these skinny girls. I should be grateful to be healthy but I worry about being skinny. I would be happy with 130 or 135 , enought to make a difference.

Sun, 26 Dec 2004 20:06:24 GMT

I actually have a pretty decent Christmas, I got a new digital and printer how exciting. I am turning into quite the computer nerd. I am a little edgy , no sleep from being on call. My sis informed me she is a size smaller than me in jeans, ouch, I feel like a cow. I have barely eaten anything except last night.

Sunday

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 00:46:39 GMT

There is not alot to write about today, well there is but i just dont feel like it right now. Maybe things are finally coming into place, finally, it is all coming together, it really is. I just wish I wasnt so damn obsessed with my weight. I hate it so damn much.

what a night

Sun, 14 Nov 2004 04:53:19 GMT

ramblings

Thu, 11 Nov 2004 02:04:01 GMT

I dont post here too much but I guess I will tonight. Things have been ok I guess,to a depree. Work has been crazy only because I think my caseload is going to more depressed b/c f the holidays. I think I could easily be in their shows in a heartbeat and I remind mysle fof that everyday, I also remind myself that it is a learning experience. I have learned so many things, about their lives, their illness. I continue as alwayws to worry about my weight. I cant stand it. I purged today when I got home which is just stupid but I do it thinking oh yes I will lose weight , I know I dont eat too horribly. It just gets so damn depressing , I know mmy mejmy metabolism is f-up up, i think 135 I would be happy.One one hand I dont mind the way I am but on the other I totally hate it. Oh well.

Wed, 23 Jun 2004 12:29:01 GMT

I dont write in here much, I am beginning to think I am having some sort of mid life crisis, I just feel so damn depressed. I feel like at times everything is crashing and burning at once and it drives me crazy. I am sitting at 145 pounds, something has to give, I am working out at least 4 times a week on a treadmill and nothing is budging. I just want to be super skinny and I will somehow. I have such a good life and I tell you people need to get their damn acts together and appreciate me.

Sat, 12 Jun 2004 20:16:12 GMT

Will I ever be happy?? Who knows, everyone tells me how pretty I am , how great I am how nice, and I think it is crap. I just am so so digusted with myself, I went to the pool and everytime I go I feel like such a huge fat cow.

Sat, 12 Jun 2004 03:21:16 GMT

Sun, 06 Jun 2004 20:05:30 GMT

I am so frustrated right now, I dont even know, I cant do anything right, I am such a loser, slob of a person, you know that. I can't even clean things right you know. I can't. I had a great night on friday night and now the weekend is almost over and it is so depressing. I just laid here today feeling sorry for myself. I hate that, I have a lot of great things in my life.

Mon, 22 Mar 2004 21:30:32 GMT

Today I stayed home from work with my son, he is sick with a cold again, i feel bad for him and then there is me miss gloom and doom. I cant help it, I wish I could just snap out of this but I cant, I wish I knew. I just feel like I am drowning.

Sun, 21 Mar 2004 14:22:24 GMT

Haven't written in a few days, I dont know that things are much better, I remind myself there are alot of things going on around me.

Wed, 17 Mar 2004 00:33:22 GMT

You would think I would write happy things, not bitch and moan, I love my little boy so much, I really do and I think god I hope he doesnt turn out to be like me. I have seen an increase in my depression the last few weeks, just dont want to get up, sad, thinking how fat I am, how horrible. I throw myself into work into hopes that I just forget about me, it helps but then I leave work and it just starts, I wish I could just bring happy thoughts ( doesnt that sound dumb)

Sun, 14 Mar 2004 13:13:58 GMT

I just got up a bit ago with my son, the one thing I have come to realize is that mom will never be happy where my son goes, she will always complain about it and he was right, when she did watch she would complain about stuff.

Sun, 14 Mar 2004 03:21:24 GMT

Yesterday was my bday, 32, I sit and look how my body is not what it used to be, makes me so sad, I was looking at clothing and there were girls half my age, my friends tell me I look 20 but still. I felt horrible all day yesterday, just down in the dumps about a lot of things, my ex got me a gift from my little boy, it wasnt genuine, it was some attempt to get into my good graces, wtf. The guy I am seeing brought me a lovely gift, and my son bought me the best of all, he is only two and he picked me out a lovely, beautiful bag and planner. I wanted to cry b/c that made me happy. Tonight I realize I think I really do hate myself, I think I am digusting, fat, etc, and it just torments me. I get so obsessed with being skinny, there I was today, looking at things and I was like uugh. My son, I am not sure what is happening there, I have no clue what goes on at his dads house and he comes home and just hits me for no reason, like he is angry at me, which maybe he is. I feel so sorry for him b/c I love him with all of my heart.

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 23:11:44 GMT

It has taken me this long to realize being an adult is not easy, 31 years old and i just get that, duh, I just am so arrrggh!! right now. I sit and just cry about nothing, I have a good life, a wonderful child, things could be worse. I try to look at the positive things....

Tue, 09 Mar 2004 22:18:58 GMT

As I get older, I realize I just get so tired of the cattiness, etc of people. it was a good and bad day, things are just confusing to me in my life right now, what i want , etc. I go from being depressed to being ok and over it, the nature of my good old depression. My clients are doing ok which is good for me, I am concerned about alot of them and I have a few that I need to find places to live which may prove difficult. I have been having issues with my birthday, not really excited, just thinking of how my body has changed and my life and the constant comparing of my myself to others, being skinny, etc so damn shallow.

Sat, 06 Mar 2004 19:50:22 GMT

I knew it had to be something in the air yesterday, my clients were not well at all, the full moon,,, i knew it, oh well. My whatever and I had a great talk the other night, it was about time, he admits he has feeling for me, no duh, but he says it may not be enought, whatever but then gets all offended when I say I wouldnt marry him!! My son is sleeping soundly in his new bed!! I wll write more later.

Thu, 04 Mar 2004 20:40:05 GMT

I am so glad it is Thursday, been a long week, Work was ok, got home a bit early, some of my clients are not doing well and it makes me a bit sad just because I see how hard they are struggling. I have been having the usual up and downs lately, I wonder about relationships lately, I really miss my ex sometimes, I looked at him this morning and I realize how I still care for him but also remind myself of the hell he has put my son and i through.

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 22:07:16 GMT

Today was a decent day, it was so warm and sunny so I loved driving around with the radio blaring and me singing!! Work went well, I learn something new everyday!!

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 23:59:18 GMT

table border='1' cellspacing='0' cellpadding='2' align='center'>

<tr><th colspan="2" bgcolor="#000000">Your Love Situation by Amberishjewel</th></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Username?</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your Love Is...</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Seductive</td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#000000">During Lovemaking You Act...</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Like a vampire, very seductive</td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your Partner Is...</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Your everything</td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your Partner Has Said That You...</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Are their best friend</td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your Love is Summed Up In A Quote.</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">"You deserve a bed of roses"</td></tr><tr><td colspan="2" align="center" bgcolor="#000000"></td></tr><tr><td colspan="2" align="center" bgcolor="#000000">Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!</td></tr>

</table>

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 02:48:52 GMT

I figure since I was so damn miserable earlier I will write so good and some happy things, How silly does that sound? It was so nice today, almost 60, I was thrilled I got carded at the liquor store, I am almost 32, the guys I am seeing his kids always say that i look 19, I love it, if I can keep my young looks, the body is starting to fall apart, My sis emailed me something that Rick Springfield, yes ,has a new album out and I listened to a few snippets and it is pretty decent. I am the Dave Matthews freak, but as a little one I adored Rick Springfield, I still do!! I am thrilled may I say once again that Dave Matthews is coming to PA. They make fun of me at work, but I just love him. My ex dropped my son off and of course again, I just still love the jerk, how and why , who knows, I still want him to want me to care about me, what?? I feel like I have something to prove to him.... mmmm, maybe some of my need to continue to try to lose weight!! I asked my son if he wanted to watch Dave and he said 'Yea" so I put on listener supported and he starts dancing to "Rupenzel" He is also a big fan of "dont drink the water." He is too funny. I hope he grows up to be happy which I think he will and be confident, which is something I truly do not have.

Sun, 29 Feb 2004 19:45:50 GMT

Today started out somewhat wonderful and then went uugh and now it is somewhat ok. I miss my son terribly, but he will be home soon. The other thing, I am beginning to wonder if I should just give it all up sometimes, I got to see him and he is asleep, he was out and what he couldnt stop by to see me, wtf, so i began saying do i not mean anything to you, it is so frustrating, I have just had it, its almost like he sabotoges anything, hell if i will answer the phone. I dont ask for alot, I really really dont, I am not the type of person, but its like I give him so much and just once, just once it would be nice to be appreciated, He tells me oh thanks for coming over, yeah right, whatever, maybe he needs to start chasing after me for once. whatever. I am hoping that next week brings better luck, since this week at work just sucked, everyone was not well, my coworkers except for a few are driving me nuts. I am tired of them all saying how fat they are, well if your wouldnt go out to McDonalds and eat a big mac everyday, maybe that would help, I am sorry that was evil. I am tired of being treated like I am some little munchking, hello I am 31 years old, whatever. Hopefully I will write a more positive o

Sun, 29 Feb 2004 02:41:09 GMT

My little son is asleep soundly, we had a good night. I am seriously thinking about calling about the house down the street from here since this apartment is getting a bit too small for us. Well once again, the jerk keeps creeping back into my thoughts, he just thinks he is it and arrrggh ,I cant stand it. I still care for him but he cant and wont ever get it together. At times, well I know this, like he is almost ashamed to be a father, my son doesnt even call him dad!! He hasnt even been at dad to him. He always manages to make me feel bad, I hope my son will not be subjected to the same.

Sat, 28 Feb 2004 20:40:27 GMT

I am sitting here watching H.R. Pufunstuff, my mom got it for me!! It is more hilarious when you are an adult. Not an exciting day, I feel ok i guess, there is always a sadness I feel in me and I always feel at war with myself. I wish I was pretty but there are more things to life than that!! I went over to see him today and he is asleep and I go upstairs, he says he doesnt know why he is upset, I try to go up and snuggle with him and I kept trying to get him moving, so I left. I just get so damn frustrated anymore.

Sat, 28 Feb 2004 00:08:23 GMT

It was a day, work was very upsetting and shocking in some respects, one of my clients hurt herself on purpose and she wanted me to see it. It was shocking and upsetting and I dealt with it, I dont know how I am dealing with it now honestly. It brings to me to the full extent that it makes me sad how some people are so ill. I want her to feel better, but I am very concerned.