| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2005|05:44 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Dave Matthews Band "Amercian Baby" | ] |
I know I dont update too much but here is an update. Things in general have been pretty decent. I do feel alot better thanks to my wonderful boyfriend who makes me feel so good, but I have to feel good for me I know. I just lately have been feeling worse and worse again in terms of my weight. I weigh about 150 and am about 5'6 disgusting. I have a small waist and then have the hips and ass. some days it deosnt bother me but in others it does. I hate myself sometimes. I have been puriging alot more lately, more than I have liked. I think alot is anxiety. I went int H and M the other day and tried on these clothes and I am a size 12. Alot of my freiends say they cant believe that I am that size. So there I am and I just felt so intimidated because there are all of these skinny girls. I should be grateful to be healthy but I worry about being skinny. I would be happy with 130 or 135 , enought to make a difference. |
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| Sunday |
[Nov. 28th, 2004|07:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Vitamin K - Chevelle | ] |
There is not alot to write about today, well there is but i just dont feel like it right now. Maybe things are finally coming into place, finally, it is all coming together, it really is. I just wish I wasnt so damn obsessed with my weight. I hate it so damn much. |
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| ramblings |
[Nov. 10th, 2004|08:25 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Fiona Apple- Limp | ] |
I dont post here too much but I guess I will tonight. Things have been ok I guess,to a depree. Work has been crazy only because I think my caseload is going to more depressed b/c f the holidays. I think I could easily be in their shows in a heartbeat and I remind mysle fof that everyday, I also remind myself that it is a learning experience. I have learned so many things, about their lives, their illness. I continue as alwayws to worry about my weight. I cant stand it. I purged today when I got home which is just stupid but I do it thinking oh yes I will lose weight , I know I dont eat too horribly. It just gets so damn depressing , I know mmy mejmy metabolism is f-up up, i think 135 I would be happy.One one hand I dont mind the way I am but on the other I totally hate it. Oh well. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 23rd, 2004|08:37 am] |
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I dont write in here much, I am beginning to think I am having some sort of mid life crisis, I just feel so damn depressed. I feel like at times everything is crashing and burning at once and it drives me crazy. I am sitting at 145 pounds, something has to give, I am working out at least 4 times a week on a treadmill and nothing is budging. I just want to be super skinny and I will somehow. I have such a good life and I tell you people need to get their damn acts together and appreciate me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 12th, 2004|04:15 pm] |
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Will I ever be happy?? Who knows, everyone tells me how pretty I am , how great I am how nice, and I think it is crap. I just am so so digusted with myself, I went to the pool and everytime I go I feel like such a huge fat cow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2004|04:03 pm] |
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I am so frustrated right now, I dont even know, I cant do anything right, I am such a loser, slob of a person, you know that. I can't even clean things right you know. I can't. I had a great night on friday night and now the weekend is almost over and it is so depressing. I just laid here today feeling sorry for myself. I hate that, I have a lot of great things in my life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 22nd, 2004|04:28 pm] |
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Today I stayed home from work with my son, he is sick with a cold again, i feel bad for him and then there is me miss gloom and doom. I cant help it, I wish I could just snap out of this but I cant, I wish I knew. I just feel like I am drowning. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2004|09:21 am] |
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Haven't written in a few days, I dont know that things are much better, I remind myself there are alot of things going on around me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2004|07:28 pm] |
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You would think I would write happy things, not bitch and moan, I love my little boy so much, I really do and I think god I hope he doesnt turn out to be like me. I have seen an increase in my depression the last few weeks, just dont want to get up, sad, thinking how fat I am, how horrible. I throw myself into work into hopes that I just forget about me, it helps but then I leave work and it just starts, I wish I could just bring happy thoughts ( doesnt that sound dumb) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 14th, 2004|08:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I just got up a bit ago with my son, the one thing I have come to realize is that mom will never be happy where my son goes, she will always complain about it and he was right, when she did watch she would complain about stuff. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2004|10:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
Yesterday was my bday, 32, I sit and look how my body is not what it used to be, makes me so sad, I was looking at clothing and there were girls half my age, my friends tell me I look 20 but still. I felt horrible all day yesterday, just down in the dumps about a lot of things, my ex got me a gift from my little boy, it wasnt genuine, it was some attempt to get into my good graces, wtf. The guy I am seeing brought me a lovely gift, and my son bought me the best of all, he is only two and he picked me out a lovely, beautiful bag and planner. I wanted to cry b/c that made me happy. Tonight I realize I think I really do hate myself, I think I am digusting, fat, etc, and it just torments me. I get so obsessed with being skinny, there I was today, looking at things and I was like uugh. My son, I am not sure what is happening there, I have no clue what goes on at his dads house and he comes home and just hits me for no reason, like he is angry at me, which maybe he is. I feel so sorry for him b/c I love him with all of my heart. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 10th, 2004|06:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
It has taken me this long to realize being an adult is not easy, 31 years old and i just get that, duh, I just am so arrrggh!! right now. I sit and just cry about nothing, I have a good life, a wonderful child, things could be worse. I try to look at the positive things.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 9th, 2004|05:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
As I get older, I realize I just get so tired of the cattiness, etc of people. it was a good and bad day, things are just confusing to me in my life right now, what i want , etc. I go from being depressed to being ok and over it, the nature of my good old depression. My clients are doing ok which is good for me, I am concerned about alot of them and I have a few that I need to find places to live which may prove difficult. I have been having issues with my birthday, not really excited, just thinking of how my body has changed and my life and the constant comparing of my myself to others, being skinny, etc so damn shallow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 6th, 2004|02:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  complacent | ] |
I knew it had to be something in the air yesterday, my clients were not well at all, the full moon,,, i knew it, oh well. My whatever and I had a great talk the other night, it was about time, he admits he has feeling for me, no duh, but he says it may not be enought, whatever but then gets all offended when I say I wouldnt marry him!! My son is sleeping soundly in his new bed!! I wll write more later.
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2004|03:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
I am so glad it is Thursday, been a long week, Work was ok, got home a bit early, some of my clients are not doing well and it makes me a bit sad just because I see how hard they are struggling. I have been having the usual up and downs lately, I wonder about relationships lately, I really miss my ex sometimes, I looked at him this morning and I realize how I still care for him but also remind myself of the hell he has put my son and i through. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 2nd, 2004|05:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bouncy | ] |
Today was a decent day, it was so warm and sunny so I loved driving around with the radio blaring and me singing!! Work went well, I learn something new everyday!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 1st, 2004|06:58 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Rick Springfield-Perfect | ] |
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